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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Principle of Ownership, Part 2 - Forthrightness

A few months ago, I feverishly scribed a 2-paragraph statement which elaborated on something I called "The Principle of Ownership", then snapped a picture of it and posted it on this blog.

One year ago, I wrote an entry called "My One Resolution", which I believe was posted on my other blog, "Reality of Christ", and in which I described my felt need to be more forthright with people in various situations. I made it my lone "resolution" for 2012.

Well, various thoughts have been blossoming in my mind which are continuations of both of these principles.

1. One thing we must take ownership of, if we are to be honest men, is our conversation. What I mean is, we must take ownership of our own thoughts, feelings, and preferences, and state them as our own, rather than passive-aggressively making them out to be lifeless responses to what somebody else said. Do you want out of a crappy dating relationship? Consider saying, "I want out of this crappy dating relationship", rather than, "You obviously don't love me anymore," "You're a great friend", "I just don't think I can handle a relationship right now," or something else.

2. The whole process of being forthright is a lifelong endeavor. None of us is made of steel; all of us are growing in the process of fearing God rather than men. So we must grow in courage. But we also must grow in wisdom. The thrust of honesty is wonderfully simple, but there are complex situations that come up. Simply put, there are some things that don't need to be said right away, and some of our feelings need to be evaluated privately before we throw them in somebody's face. There have been times this year when I was offended by something somebody said and took it the wrong way. I had thoughts of speaking in a very plain and confrontational all-or-nothing manner. But the voice of sensibility inside my head told me that, as much as I could not understand why this person would say this, there was a good chance I was either taking it the wrong way, or taking it way too far. I cooled down, deferred my reaction, and was able to handle these situations in a much more constructive way. It's a good thing, because would I have been honest if I had spoken my mind? Yes, but not beneficial to anybody, in fact possibly devastating a person here, ending a friendship there. "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29, ESV

3. Being forthright doesn't heal all wounds. Even if I tell my friend Billy he was wrong to tell all my friends that I eat worms in the backyard and it makes me trust him less as a friend, I will still be hurt that Billy would do this, and that people were so quick to believe him. I will lay in bed at night, thinking, "Do I really act like a guy who would eat worms? Is it my beard? Am I too quiet? When I'm quiet, do people think I'm plotting my next worm feast? I genuinely hate worms. This is all not fair and I hate this world."

More personal:

4. My neurotic tendencies, fears, and hangups are my own burden and nobody else's.

5. As an INTP, my most difficult thing to deal with is when people have sudden and emotional reactions, because I find this dangerous and not helpful. I imagine they are just as alarmed by my heady approach to life. I don't even know how to *begin* in a situation like that. I am detached in almost all situations, and even feel detached when the other person carries on and ascribes to me certain emotions that I do not actually feel. I find that seeking to explain myself in such situations is not helpful, because it is seen as some kind of emotional response, when in fact it is not. What I generally do is, "slowly back away", because the harder I try to seek clarity with the person, the worse the situation gets. Perhaps what is needed is, "Jim, I'm actually not offended at what you said; I think you've misunderstood what I'm telling you. The giant banana was chasing me in that dream, and I killed it with an umbrella toothpick, and I was not telling this story as a parable for your failed business venture, but as a humorous anecdote." I guess that's the best thing to do.


Advice for the NYC-bound

Recently a dear friend of mine asked me if I had any advice for her; she is expecting to move to NYC within a year. Here's what I told her:
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Dearest Ashley,

New York City is an amazing place to live. These adjectives come to mind:

Stimulating
Addictive
Devastating
Lonely
Social
Varied
Scenic
Boring
Exciting
Rude
Romantic

Now, I know some of those will sound contradictory, and they are. It's a place of conflicted experiences. Whatever happens, you will never forget it.

Some people have positive experiences, and some people have negative experiences. Some of that has to do with whether a person is a homebody, and whether they are cut out for city life. Since you are drawn to it, odds are you are cut out for it, though there will be an adjustment period. Some of it has to do with a person's disposition, but some of it has to do with some specific factors.

So, my dear little sister, this is what I have for you:

1. Find a good church. I know you haven't been going to church, but Ashley, I guarantee you that you will find no better opportunity to meet interesting people who actually care that you will thrive, than in a good Christian church. And that is perhaps the single most important aspect to having a positive experience in NYC. For two reasons: (1) NYC life is lonely life, and this way you will be connected, and (2) You'll meet more people this way, and the more people you meet, the better. Somebody will have a rooftop apartment in Brooklyn and you'll watch the July 4th fireworks with an amazing view of the whole city. Somebody will be living the life you want to live (maybe they're a photographer) and potentially have connections for you, and/or advice. And some people, you'll just plain love and be so glad to have them in your life.

2. Better to be somewhat poor in the pursuit of your dream, than somewhat stable in a life-sucking, dead-end job. But those are two extremes, both of which you'll hopefully be able to avoid.

3. Be safe. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Best to have somebody with you if walking the streets at night. Depends on the area. You'll figure it out, though. Most areas are quite safe.

4. Travel light. You won't have a lot of space.