To marry or not to marry

I've listened several times to Paul Washer explaining what he says to a young man who thinks he's found a young woman he wants to marry. He asks the young man why he wants to marry the girl, and the young man will list off all of the girl's great qualities--she's beautiful, I love being around her, etc. And then he will rephrase it back to the young man: "So what you are telling me is, you want to marry this girl because she meets all of your fleshly desires." I always had mixed feelings when I listened to him describe this, because on the one hand, yes, in marriage we seek not our own good but the good of our spouse and to exalt Christ and the Gospel through our marriage. But on the other hand, aren't there going to be some characteristics about your mate that draw you to them, causing you to choose them over everybody else?

Likewise, in answering the question "why do you want to get married" (just in general, not to a specific person) it may seem quite natural to describe a happier, more desirable state. I was asked this question by a friend and answered (in more specific details) that I seem to be more functional when there is a woman in my life, and that I've got a strong desire for the companionship and the intimacy that come only in marriage. In short he said that my answer(s) had one common thread: they were all about me. Me, me, me. And I knew he was right, but at the time, still wasn't sure it was a fair question--after all, it is not good for the man to be alone (Gen 2:18), and Paul says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. So was I right that the question was unfair? No. I was wrong. Yes, these factors are one aspect of the decision, but they are not the only aspect of the decision between marrying and staying single.

There's a girl I've been talking to, and we like each other. It's gotten me thinking. I'm so used to being on my own. Since 2005 I've lived in Maryland, North Carolina, Arizona, Long Island, Manhattan, and Queens. And some of those moves were made on a whim--I chose my college in Maryland after seeing it (and no other colleges), I applied for my internship in Arizona as a real long-shot (I thought), and I chose my second college quite suddenly because I had 2 close friends there. And each time, based on these decisions made on a whim, I have packed up my life and started some place new as if it was nothing. So I was thinking about how, if I ended up getting married, that changes everything. I would not be the only one affected by my actions anymore (not that that is ever the case). My choice of jobs, ministries, apartments, homes, gyms, groceries, toilet paper and Dan Marino figurines would now be affecting the life of some beloved daughter of God, and our 2.5 children, and the kingdom, and the world.

And so what every Christian person has to consider, and what I think Paul Washer and my friend were getting at, is this: As Christians, our lives are not primarily for enjoying good things, but for enjoying God Himself, and putting Christ on display--and the decision to marry or stay single will have a huge impact for the rest of our lives with regards to how we conceive of that. So here are two videos of John Piper:

I'm not a merman, but I am a mere man.

What Goes Through My Head Before a Nap:


"I hate you all! Leave me alone! I'm sick of traveling, and taking trains. I just want to sleep! I don't care anymore!"

The end.

I wonder...

if our descriptions of the godly person we'd like to meet and be with are actually a spiritualized way of saying we don't want to bear with somebody's weaknesses and sins.

Goals moving forward

I'm about to finally move back to New York. Some things are up in the air. However, these are the simple goals I have.

-Get everything sorted out for grad school; the G.R.E. exam and my Biblical Greek studies.
-Seek out mentors who are much further down the full-time ministry path.
-Seek out mentors and other sources of wisdom regarding both marriage and what a healthy courtship/relationship would look like.
-No dating, through the entire summer.

Everything Runs on Love

Everything runs on love. Love exists eternally between the three Persons of the Godhead and it is the core of what He has made here on the earth.

This love appears in many manifestations; friendship, romance, parenthood, even admiration. And everything runs on love. In our fallen world, the proof is this: watch what happens when love is disrupted. See what happens to children who are without assurance that daddy loves mommy. See that even after 40 years of marriage the husband hates the mention of the wife's old boyfriend. See the pain of the person cheated on. See the deep hurts of those without friends. Disrupt the love and you disrupt the very soul of a person--because everything runs on love. Without love, one doubts whether he or she can continue on in life--or whether they even should.

Despite the sad situation it should be a comfort to know this: That the Object of the greatest love we can experience is also the most perfect of any of the objects of our love--that our most important love relationship is with One who can be utterly trusted, has no wayward past, and has no failings ever, in His love.

In Him, healing happens, and all of the other loves experience restoration. But only in the heart that holds Him as the chief love.

Psalm 46:10

http://realityofchrist.blogspot.com/2010/03/entry-15-psalm-4610.html

Things you must get past...

...in order to be maritally capable. A better title might be, "things I must get past", or "things I have gotten/am getting past". Now this is primarily directed toward other single men like myself who, though capable of attracting the ladies, have held off on really truly pursuing somebody as a marriage partner--out of immaturity. But I suppose it can apply just as much to any girls reading. I am grateful to some preachers who, though I have not met most of them, became mentors to me in this area through their sermons, especially their sermons on marriage, dating, singleness, etc. Those are Paul Washer (see especially "Marriage and the Gospel"), Matt Chandler (especially "Sanctification and Marriage"), and JR Vassar ("Intentional Singleness"). They all deal a lot with young men and are versed in directly confronting their immaturity. They confronted mine. Things are happening.

You must get past all the sensual allurements of the foreign exchange student, the super-energetic hottie whom everybody wants (though she is no less godly than the less-energetic ones), desires for physical perfection (as if you were physically perfect), and you must get past an excessive desire for challenge. This is a cluster of fleshly desire that has kept many a man holding out for the "ultimate". (It turns out God is the ultimate, not some woman!)

I remember watching the movie Tombstone, about a year ago. I'm talking about the one with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer. Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp meets this gorgeous woman who sings. And she's quite capable in the area of flirting. In one gripping (for me, at least) scene the two of them (oh, and by the way, Wyatt Earp is married, albeit to a cray lady) are on their horses, and Wyatt (played by Kurt...hmm...) chases her. She says somethng about her horse being in heat, too. I suppose the whole thing is more intentionally provocative than I realized. But it impacted me, and confirmed in my mind that I needed to go out and find that "ultimate" woman and chase her down on my horse and marry her (at that point I was sure she would be found in Arizona, both the setting of the movie and the place I would be living soon). I could only have one wife (sure, Kurt Russell gets two, but I love Jesus). So I needed to pursue the ultimate--even if that meant waiting until I was in the ideal situation for me to do so...perhaps established in some ministry, at a church where I fit in well, giving me all the leverage of confidence and expression necessary. This could take years--but anything for that brilliant, curvaceous, blonde, no wait brunette, no wait blonde, no wait I can't even decide, godly, faithful, loving woman who had somehow also, like me, remained single. Oh, and did I mention the challenge? In the past when a girl I liked suddenly liked me back, and it became obvious, I usually got a little freaked out, and lost interest, and felt guilty about the whole thing, and stopped pursuing. This is because I wanted the "ultimate"--and surely the "ultimate" could not be that easy.

The desire to pursue the ultimate is not from Satan, or our flesh, or our culture. The desire to pursue the ultimate is from God Himself. And God Himself IS the ultimate. This is where I was going wrong. It was all based on self-love and selfishness. I wanted to pursue ultimate pleasure for myself, in things, rather than pursuing ultimate pleasure for myself, mankind, and God through pursuing and enjoying God as supremely valuable over all things. And should I spend my days going home to a supermodel when the world around is perishing? Should I dream of a flawed relationship with a sinful person for a lifetime instead of dreaming of the wonders of eternity and pursuing them? Does that make any sense?

Pursue the true Ultimate and stop trying to find it in a woman (or a man). You will be both healthier and more fit for marriage.